Where I am a badass and sweat a lot

KBs outside, at the park down the street. First time for that - I get very self conscious working out in front of people, but I figure if I want to be an RKC and teach, I had better get over it. 

I brought the two 8kg and the 12kg. Since I'm doing yoga later, I left the 16kg at home. I started with a warm up of 40 single transfers with the 8kg. Then moved on to the 12kg, with one minute sets of single transfers, alternating with sets of 5 swings each before transferring. Let's see.... I think I did 2 30 second sets of double C&P, and then I started what I would like to call 'The Circle of Hell": There's a walking path that runs around the baseball field and the park itself. It's not huge, but I'd put it at maybe a half mile all the way around? Maybe a little more or less? I'm not good at estimating distance. Anyhoo, I did 5 swings R, snatched on the 5th, locked it out overhead, then walked 5 steps. Then stop, negative press, swing 5 again, snatch on the 5th, walk 10 steps, stop, negative press, swing to transfer, repeat on the other side. I would cycle through twice, then rest for 30 seconds, then go again. I did it until I reached my starting point. My total reps were 430. It was sunny. Not a lot of shade. It was fairly brutal, but in a good way. Raaaar! She Hulk maaaad!

I don't think I'm doing yoga until this evening - Dad has chemo today, and I'm supposed to bring him and Steven lunch. So, I'll shoot for the 5:30 class, which has my favorite instructor anyway. We'll see how I do. I'm curious.

Where I get back to our regularly scheduled programming

Inspired by Tracy, I decided to try a (very extreme) moderation of her latest routine, as it's what I like to do: swings! I could swing all day, every day. TGUs, snatches, C&P: these all take a little more motivation and effort for me.

I started with one minute work/rest sets with the 12kg. Starting with two handed, then single trans, then swinging 5 each arm, then 10 each arm. Then I switched up to the 16kg and did 30 second work/rest sets: two handed, then single trans, then 2 swings each, then 3 each, and that was as high as I could get at that weight. I think I did about 100 reps, give or take, at that weight. Then I went back to the 12kg and one minute sets, mostly swinging 10 before transferring until I hit 400. I suppose I could've done more, but I was feeling a little sore from yoga (no smugness here, no siree) and don't want to overdo to a point where I can't train. Anyhoo, so there it is. Addie has school tomorrow, so I'll get to walk in the morning - how novel, I don't have to wait until the kids are in bed! 

Where I'm hurting.

Holy crap. I am in a serious amount of pain. Well, maybe half pain and half stiffness. My numbers may have been down, but I think I can see now that heavier = better. Or at least, more exertion. So here's my plan: I have been using the 12 kg for swings and the 8 kg for C&P and snatches. What I want to try to work up to is the 16 kg for swings and the 12 kg for the rest. I have no illusions that this is going to be really hard, but I feel like I have plateaued in terms of what I can do with the weights I'm working with. It seems silly to keep snatching the 8 kg, when I can't get certified with that weight. I tend to go down in the basement with little to no actual plan in terms of what my sets will look like, I'm going to try to have a routine for at least every other workout. 

Dad is slowly coming out of his chemo funk. He still moves so slowly and needs a cane now to walk. This is the man that used to take such huge strides when he walked that I had a hard time keeping up with him. This is the man that hiked the wilds of the Boundary Waters of Canada and the canyons of Paria. At 50, even 55, he was stronger and in better shape then most men half his age. It's heartbreaking to see him so frail.

Where I swing heavy

Oy. 310 reps, 30 seconds on/off. First 3 sets with 12kg, next 4 sets with 16kg (singles) and some sets of a swing, C&P, swing, snatch combo with the 12kg. Finished with alternating sets of swinging 12 then 16. Ow. Owowowowow. 

Half the numbers, but nary an 8kg rep in the bunch, and twice the amount of work with the 16kg than I usually do. And boy howdy, do I feel it. Snatching the 12kg is hard, y'all, but damn, I have to move up sometime! I look at the number of snatches I have to do for RKC, and man, i have a ways to go.

Anyhoo, family stuff is... there. Nothing new. Back on my meds, because no, I apparently cannot deal with them unmedicated. Going to the pool now, last day it's open, last chance to swim some laps until next summer!

Where I am tickled, fer reals

I have made many mentions of Mark and Tracy Reifkind. I have quoted them both, linked to specific blog entries, and sent blog links to anyone who has ever asked my 'what the heck is a kettlebell?' They both provide a wealth of information on kettlebells and nutrition (and I admit, go WAY over my head with some material. Am I a retard that the Max Vo2 stuff still mystifies me?) I've been reading them both since before I bought my first kb. So you can imagine the look on my face when I realized that Rif has me listed on his blogroll! You can just take a minute and picture me kicking the ground shyly with a cartoon bubble over my head that says 'Aw, shucks!'

It made my day, really.

Other than that, we are in the midst of home improvement projects. And by we, I mean Bryan. The kids are in bed, which at this point in the weekend, is really the safest place for them to be. They have pushed me way over the edge today. Tomorrow is the start of another week. Dad sees Dr. Kelly on Wednesday, chemo on Thursday, and the crappy cycle starts all over again. But.... as I try to focus on the little things: I can finally get my hair in two pigtails (see here to recall the hair trauma of '07), a friend of mine at the Roasterie had them custom make a blend of chocolate hazelnut for me, and I am getting ready to put on my monkey shoes and go on a long ass, much needed walk. It's hard to sometimes remember that there is still goodness in my life, but it's there, no matter how small it may be.

400 reps, 12kg swings. 20 C&P, 20 snatches. one set of swings with 16kg (about 40/one minute).

That's it, it's late and I'm sleepy....

Workout post ad naseum

Swing night - I really wanted to walk, because a.) we're having wonderful weather and b.) I am totally in love with my ugly ass shoes. I absolutely heart them, with a big fuzzy, pink heart dotting the 'I'. So anyhoo, decided to test them with a KB workout. Perfect, loved it, as I had suspected I would. Here's the other thing with them, my feet don't get too hot or sweaty. I am a very sweaty foot girl, and that's one of the first things I look at in a shoe, is what the foot bed is made of. Shoes that are vinyl-y or slick looking are a no-no, especially in something without a sock. Another reason I love to go barefoot, no sweaty feet! I ran errands all day, and wore them for about 4 hours, and when I took them off, realized my feet were totally dry. Am I seriously talking about foot sweat this much? I have really GOT to get out more often!

Okay, so Kettlebells: 600 reps (!!!) Gymboss one minute on, one off. Amy, I took your advice and mixed the weights in each set - about half (20) with the 16 and another half (another 20) with the 12. I did a few sets of those, then alternated full one minute sets of the 12, then the 16. Yowch. I did, I think, 2 sets of C&P (double 8) and 2 sets (or was it 3?) snatches. I think I average 20 reps per minute with each of those. Last 150 swings were all 12kg. I have been experimenting with how it feels to swing two handed vs. one handed, singles transfers vs. swinging 5 or 10 reps per arm before transferring. Also, the 2 8kg are (obviously) the same weight as the one 16kg, but the weight is distributed differently. I'm starting to notice how my body works differently and other, subtle muscles I may not have been aware of (or had!) are used, depending on weight, number of reps, which arm, how long, etc. I'm feeling a stronger connectedness with my body that I haven't felt in a long time. I think being comfortable in your own skin is a really difficult point to reach. I have struggled for years with feeling not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, pretty enough. It's only been in these last few months of Dad being sick that has brought me to a deeper understanding of who I am.

I'm not talking the attitude one gets when they feel they don't belong, so they say 'well, screw all of them!' I mean a true level of acceptance that not everyone has to like you. All that matters is that YOU like you! Maybe it's my reprioritizing with having a parent with cancer. Maybe it's the wisdom of getting older. But I find lately, that despite the emotional hurricane I have been struggling with, I feel a certain amount of peace. People don't call me, I don't see anyone, nothing has changed in that regard, but what HAS changed is how I see it. I spend a lot of my free time with my Dad, and that's the most important thing right now.

 

Where I ponder the idea of calling it "Blergging" instead of "Blogging"

Seriously, y'all. BLERG.

I have a lot to say, and yet nothing to say. I have been walking, and I did swinging today (400 reps) and that is all good stuff. I have been using the Wii Fit, and it is fun and a hoot, as well as playing the Wii Mario Kart with the boys. I saw a hawk eating a squirrel in our neighbor's yard, and me and the kids were fascinated, because we're odd that way. I found two bright green katydids on my car within a 24 hour period and put them in my garden. I took Addie to Libby Liu and watched her have a coronary over all the pink schlock. I painted her nails with sparkles. I have brought my Dad countless milkshakes. I have perfected my voice imitation of Flapjack. I have wasted time and eaten ice cream. I have seen Vega in the night sky. I have thought of a million things to say here, but never do. My life is in limbo, but I'm still here.

Where I force myself to blog

I have zero desire to write anymore, but I had a KB workout today, and I AM a little obsessive about keeping track of it. So here it is: 340 reps, I can't tell you the breakdown, because it was hours ago that I did it. Mostly 12kg and 16kg (swings), but did a fair number of C&P with the 8kg. So, there it is. Walked last night, too (4 miles?). So.....

Dad is not good. Chemo this past Thursday, and it has thrown him for a loop. He has lost 15 pounds in a week. He sleeps a lot. All in all, it sucks. 

Tyler starts 7th grade tomorrow. Feeling a little nostalgic.

Where I follow my own advice

So, people visiting? Not so good for making proper eating choices. That great 130 number I saw on the scale? Yeah, gone in a few days. All it takes is 4 days of not working out and eating crap and voila! I'm up 4 pounds. I'm pretty sure some of that is water - I ate an unbelievable amount of sodium, and I usually keep my sodium pretty low. But in any case, as Tracy has said, and I have repeated, a few pounds is just s few days away, if you really put your mind to it. So it's back to the grindstone, and 390 reps tonight with the 12kg. 

Things are up down around here - the visit with my cousin was utterly exhausting. She's a talker and very high maintenance. The last thing I needed were more people to take care of. It wasn't the most fun, and the day after they left (yesterday) I literally spent in bed. And I have family coming next week, family I love, but it's still work for me nonetheless. 

Dad's cancer appears to be on the move again, and he'll be starting chemo possibly next week. The kids go back to school in 2 weeks, and I feel generally totally overwhelmed. I can't think of a lot to say, so I'm going to repost my most recent blog from Dad's site, because it really expresses where my head is at these days.

Last night, I got a much needed night out with some of the Moms from Henry's school. I actually PLAYED cards, and for those of you who know me well, you know my love of cards runs about as deep as my love of NASCAR, football, and cuddling. Which is to say, not at all. However, I actually caught on and had a lot of fun. I felt totally socially inept, as I have been in seclusion for several months, but as the night wore on, i remembered how to talk to people and not sound like a complete moron. 

I stopped at the liquor store in the Village to pick up wine on the way to Krissie's house, and noticed, out on the sidewalk, about 20 or so ginkgo leaves scattered around. I looked to see if there was a tree nearby, but couldn't find one. Ginkgo trees have often been called living fossils, as they existed some 200 million years ago throughout what is now North America. They died out during the ice age, and were thought to be extinct when in 1691 they were discovered in Japan and southern China, and subsequently brought back to Europe. They are an especially hardy tree, planted around Japanese temples because it was believed they would protect against fire. 

On August 6, 1945, our country dropped a bomb, code named 'Little Boy,' on the city of Hiroshima. The city was decimated, and tens of thousands of people were literally incinerated. And yet, despite the scorched earth and devastation, four ginkgo trees survived. Though burnt and branches toppled, in the weeks and months after the blast, they all began to form buds. As a result, the Japanese call the tree 'The Bearer of Hope.' 

My father's cough is back, and worse than before. He is at the doctor right now, getting an X-ray, but they are pretty sure it's the cancer returning with a vengeance. He will probably have to start chemo sooner than we had thought, and may be unable to take his trip to St. Louis with the IRES group. My Dad is very sick, and most likely dying, but I can't give up hope. I can only think of the trees that they thought were dead, when all along, new life was sleeping inside. There is still life inside my Dad, there is still a fight to be had. I know not all battles fought can be won, but when any of us know it's our time to go, don't you want to die knowing you gave it the good fight? 

I did a workout... I think Sunday? Forgot to post it, but it was 200 swings and such. Couldn't tell you the exact breakdown. 

Anyway, today was 395. I did 250 swings (sets of single transfers and then sets of 5 swings per arm before transferring- one minute sets) with the 12kg and then 100 swings with the 16kg (alternating sets of single trans and 2 handed swings- 30 second sets). The rest double C&P with the 8kg and snatches with the 8kg. Those double C&P nearly killed me, my shoulders feel shredded. 

I went for a walk the other night, unaware that there was an electrical storm brewing. I was about a mile from home when I noticed the crazy lightening not too far away. I decided to keep going and make it a quick walk, instead of my usual 5 mile trip. As I rounded a corner and thought to myself I had made a bad decision, I saw a car parked in the middle of the street. I realized it was my paranoid Mom, who is a weather freak and came looking for me. She said she had driven by me, but didn't think it was me at first because I looked so skinny - she thought I was a high school girl out walking! My Mom is not one to hand out compliments, but about every other day she tells me how great I look, and how KBs having really transformed my body. This is the first time in a long time that I look in the mirror and don't totally pick myself apart. Too bad the rest of my life sucks.

workout Post

325 reps - can't up the weights without sacrificing the numbers.

I actually restarted my gymboss after swinging 20 reps with the 8kg. I was in a pissy mood anyway, and it was doing nothing for me. I thought 'this is bullshit. Up your fucking weight already!' So I restarted my gymboss and went with the 12kg. 200 swings with that - mostly alternating between sets of single transfers, and single swings of 5 per arm (one minute sets). Then 100 singles with the 16kg. I finished off with a mish mosh of snatches and C&P with the 12kg. I really need to not wait until the end when I'm tired to do snatches. Especially with a heavier weight. Ow.

Where I dust off my cast iron babies

My poor neglected kettlebells. They have been so sad and lonely. I think I hear them crying softly at night, and muttering Russian obscenities at me when I pass by carrying laundry. 

Okay, well not really, but I have incredibly guilty over not exercising. Mainly because I know it will improve my mood and mental state. And yet, I still have done nothing. Swimming yesterday felt so good, and I came home feeling so relaxed, I decided I have to make at least a little time for me. I only did 320 swings, which is not a lot for me, but I stuck with mostly the 12kg, and did a fair number of snatches - 10 with the 12kg! Most volume I've been able to do with snatches in that weight! So I may feel weaker, but I think it's just a mental perception, rather than a reality. I probably could've done more, but I plan on swimming later this afternoon, so I figure I don't want to overdo it. 

I'm supposed to make pies for a few friends, and I feel guilty that I haven't done it yet. Do you see my pattern of guilt at not being perfect? I feel it constantly. I'm trying to take tasks as I can, but I feel daily like I fall short. And being blown off by random 'friends' certainly does not improve my issues of self esteem and worthfulness.  So where does that leave me? I don't know. Mostly sad and lost, but putting up a good front for the unwashed masses. Being the best Mom, Daughter, and Wife I can be. Carving out the miniscule time for me. Trying not to think about the future with my Dad. And that's about it.

Where I feel like a badass and still am pissy.

600 swings - I think the first 2 sets (one minute sets as usual, approx 40 reps in a swing set, 20 reps in a snacth set) were with the 8kg, one set of swings and one of snatches, then I switched up to the 12kg, where I alternated between single transfers, and swinging 5 or 10 times per arm before transferring. Do I make sense? Sometimes I feel like I don't make any sense when I try to describe my routines. I never plan before hand what I'm going to do, and then if I don't blog right away, I forget exactly what the breakdown was. Anyway, somewhere in there I got 14o swings with the 16kg. Singles. One full one minute set (OUCH) and then the last 100 swings were with the 16- broken down in 30 second sets. My grip was shot towards the end. In fact, it's hurting even to type. I wish the handle wasn't so wide on the 16kg. I have tiny ass hands. 

I am fucking exhausted. I can't even begin to verbalize it - there's just so much expected of me these days, it takes superhuman planning to carve out any time for myself whatsoever. I have had moments where I have honestly wondered if I'm going to wind up in a psych ward for a few days. It's been that bad. And it's nothing I can speak of to my family or even that many people close to me. I'm raved about as the good daughter, the good wife, I'm expected to play my dutiful role and not complain. Most days I just feel so very alone. In the beginning, when you have a sick family member, people rush in to help. They call all the time, bring food, offer to take meals. But as time goes on, the novelty wears off. No one calls - not even the person who IS sick. So my Dad sits alone most days, staring off into space. I take on the responsibility of entertaining him, keeping him busy. My mom is hanging by a thread, and I feel I have to help her. I know I have to help her. But it's just her and me. No one calls me anymore. (I'm not counting you, Hillary. You were like, the only one to call and say 'please let me help') I'm starting to feel a little bitter. There are women who I truly thought were my friends, and it's like I don't exist. 

A lot of times people don't know what to say. They don't want to hear anything depressing. I never know what to say when people do ask how things are. Do they want the truth? Do they want to know that my Dad has gone through a complete personality change? Do they want to know that he takes his anger and frustration out on me and my Mom? That he has suffered brain damage from the tumors and will never be the same? And finally, despite this good news, do they want the balls out truth - that this disease is not curable, and it will kill him eventually. 

No, no one wants to hear it. But that's what it is. It's a terrible, ugly disease that takes over everyone's life. We are all consumed. And we are all very much alone. I wish I blog this on the CaringBridge site, but God forbid. I have to blow sunshine out my ass there, when most days, I want to cry. 

Workout Post

400 swings. Mostly 12kg, experimented with number of swings per arm before transferring. Did 5/5, then 10/10, at one point switched to the 8kg and did 40/40 (a 2 minute swing set - yowch!) Did just a small set with the 16kg.

I've been so tired lately, and not eating well. Hence, the lack of exercising. I got some ambien form my shrink, and made a conscious effort to actually eat yesterday ( I even had breakfast!) and felt decent enough to workout last night.

We get the results to Dad's scans tomorrow. I'm praying for good news, but I don't know what to think.

KB workout

(this was yesterday, didn't have time to post) 

400 reps, couldn't find my gymboss (because someone decided to use it and not put it back where it belongs! grrrr.....) so I had to wing it on the set times. Alternated between the 8kg and 12kg in sets of 50, threw in some double snatches, double C&P, squats with the 12kg, then the last 100 swings I did in sets of 20, single transfers, with the 16kg. Oh, hell yeah! My legs hurt today, but it's all good!

quickie

610 reps, mostly swings. Double swings with the two 8 kg were a killer for sure, talk about getting your heart rate up! Mixed up the weight - equal parts 8 kg, double 8 kg, and 12 kg. Did a few sets of snatches and double C&P. I have found that 2 handed swings are a lot harder for me to do than single swings/transfers. I have been noticing a straining feeling in my elbows when I do 2 handed swings. Not sure if it's the placement of my hands and arms or what, but I'm sticking with singles as much as possible.

My oldest has his 6th grade 'graduation' tonight. I can't believe he's going into Middle School next year. Where does the time go?

500 reps, willy-nilly, all over the place in terms of weight, combos, etc. Didn't keep track. This late in the day, I'm just damn lucky I got it in at all.

Starting to see noticeable differences in my upper body, especially since swinging heavier and snatching more. Feeling like my core is getting stronger, too. Standard push ups are getting easier, and I can hold a plank position for a crazy amount of time. So, life is crumbling all around me, but my body is looking great. Awesome.

Blerg

Kb workout - 520 reps. 400 single transfers with the 12kg, 100 snatches with the 8kg, 20 C&P with the 8kg.

More family crap hitting the fan- my 82 year old mean as fuck great Aunt fell and broke her hip, and is being, predictably, a giant pain in the ass. She. Hates. Us. For no real reason, other than that we're related. That's evidently reason enough. As if I need one more fucking thing on my plate right now. 

Thank God for kettlebells. The thing I love best about them is that it's the only time all day that my mind is blank. Even when I would do yoga, I always had a hard time clearing my head of the 'noise'. But with KBs, all I think about is moving the weight. That's it. It's so simple, so obvious, and it's the only moments where I am not worried, or frustrated, or sad. I just wish I had more time to devote to it. As it is, I'm lucky to get it in 3 times a week. 

I'm just so frustrated and over everything.

Kb workout

605 reps: 270 single transfers 8kg. 300 single transfers 12kg - switched because I'm noticing my heart rate is not going up from swinging a single 8kg. Remaining reps were 8kg snatches. Amazing how easy the snatches were after swinging heavier! 

Too tired to write more. G'night.