Really? Four months?

I am a blog slacker. I have had very little to say that would seem constructive in this setting. But life has been easing up a bit, getting back in the groove of the business of living. I still am deep in the grieving process, but it's getting better.

I have not been a faithful kettlebell enthusiast of late. I took up yoga again after a rather long absence, and have been averaging 4-5 classes a week. I initially wanted to balance yoga and kbs, but I find that emotionally, I get a lot more out of yoga. My kettlebells are here, they're not going anywhere, it's not a membership I have to pay, and that's a nice feeling. But I just don't want to swing these days. I put Addie in all day kindergarten last month, and now I have the actual free time to do what I like. It's an awesome feeling.

My body composition has changed a lot since increasing my yoga practice. I don't want to use the adjective 'solid' - but that's how I feel. Muscular. Grounded. I'm very aware of how I sit, stand, walk. Not to mention the calmness it brings to my frazzled, cluttered mind.

So that's where I'm at these days. Not exciting, not eloquent, I know. But I've had more than enough strife to write about for the last 2 years. So you'll forgive my silence. Wrting will come back to me eventually. Just not right now.

I still don't know where I'm at. My emotions swing up and down, and I'm still sad. But I get angry at myself for feeling depressed, I just want to move on. I wish I could fast forward things a few more months, but I can't. I just have to feel it.

I'm afraid to talk about my weight loss, for fear I'll jinx myself. I'm 126 as of this morning. I have been walking every day, KBs about 2- 3 times a week. Swinging longer sets, swinging heavier. I eat very very little. Coffee and non dairy creamer for breakfast. Lunch is either a raw food bar or protein bar, sometimes a small salad, sometimes nothing. Dinner is usually healthy and sensible: meat or fish, salad, veggie. I'm not no carb, I'll have rice or potatoes, but not every day. I try not to snack, but sometimes I do. I monitor my portions, never finish what's on my plate (especially at a restaurant). I have indulged in ice cream, but not every night. I don't count calories, I have no idea what I take in every day. But I am using common sense. Less food, more activity=weight loss. It's not a secret, it's fairly easy. Since my dad died, my relationship with food has become far less complicated. I don't feel the compulsive need to cook and bake large quantities of unhealthy (but tasty!) food. That was a big part of dad's life. It's the one area where I feel... liberated. I will still do the holiday cooking and baking, but it will be on a much smaller scale. And I'll give a lot away.

I am the happiest with my body than I've been in a really long time. It's a great feeling to have clothes be loose, to be able to wear things I haven't in 10 years or more. To have people do a double take and tell me how tiny I've become. I used to always cover my stomach up with a pillow or my purse or jacket when I'd sit down, I'd be so embarrassed of my squishy mama belly. And while I am a long way from a flat stomach (skin will not be the same after 3 kids) everything is toning and tightening and looking so much better.

I think it was either Rif or Tracy that said, in regards to weight loss 'it's simple, but it ain't easy.' Right now, though, it feels easy to me. That may be because I don't want to eat right now. It may be after affects of shock and depression. We'll see in a few months. But I know this: I want to continue to look and feel like this. I don't want to be, weight wise, where I was a year ago. Not ever again. And I'm the only one who can make that happen.

"You are with me and you are everything"

Where have I been? Does anyone even check this blog anymore?

Well, I've been over at the Cancer blog, and if you know mw at all, you've been reading that. I now feel very blog-less, as Dad is gone, and this blog was very centered on workout routines and food obsessions. I am somewhere in between the two, both nowhere and everywhere. I am still very much consumed with what the last 18 months have been to our family, and the ripples are still ebbing out farther away from the epicenter of it all. The rest of the world is in full stride, and here I struggle to get in step. I stumble, trip, sometimes stop all together. I want so desperately to find my normal again. What 'normal' is, continues to evolve for all of us. I still don't sleep, barely eat. I am overwhelmed with my own grief, and yet I have to deal with the grief of my children and mother. I feel compelled to be the strong one, yet inside, I am breaking to pieces.

If I've learned anything throughout this, it's that life is fleeting and fragile, and it shouldn't be wasted worrying about bullshit. I've learned that there are people that step up to the plate when there's tragedy, and then there are those who won't. For whatever reasons, they cannot be there for you. I have been appalled and angry at individuals I thought were my friends, but I have come to a form of acceptance. I pity those who can't trudge through with someone they care about. I find it sad that they will never truly experience the full range of emotion life can bring. It's not just about the sweetness and joy; it's about the sadness, bitterness, and grief. Sharing with someone in their darkest hours is deeply intimate, and I will forever feel a connectedness to those who reached out to me while my father lay dying.

I no longer fear death. As a child, it terrified me. I could not imagine anything worse than my parents dying, or me dying. I have found serene peace in all of this. Death will come for me, someday, I hope not too soon, but when it does, all I pray for is a beautiful death. It is a journey, a pathway to the cosmos, and I feel immensely and profoundly honored that I could walk that path with Dad. I couldn't follow him all the way, but I stood on the shore and waved goodbye, and watched him drift away. What greater honor is there than that?

The completely vain and earth-centered side of me is delighted at the side effect of caring for a dying father 24/7 for a month: I weighed 128 this morning. I haven't seen this side of the scale in close to eight years. Unfortunately, I haven't done any exercising - no kettlebells, no walking, nothing, so while I am skinny as hell, I am flab. I picked a up the 12kg today and eased into it with 200 singles, which kicked my ass. I am trying to look at my weight loss as a fortuitous gift, and try to maintain as I tone and build muscle. What they say is true: weight loss is mostly about food, not exercise!

I don't know what this blog or the other one will become. I don't know where I'll post or what I'll post about. But I'm still here.

All you hear is time stand still in travel
And feel such peace and absolute
The stillness still that doesn't end
But slowly drifts into sleep
The greatest thing you've ever seen
And they're there for you
For you alone you are the everything
For you alone you are the everything

Workout post ad naseum

500 swings - umm, not sure f the exact breakdown, sets of about 150 reps? Some singles, a lot of 10 per arm before transfer. In between sets, would do squat thrusts (20), squats (10), and lunges (10 - lunges and squats with 8kg cleaned on each shoulder).

Tired now, stressed. Taking Trixie to be put to sleep in an hour. Not a fun day, but what can you do?

workout post

300 kb reps - no gymboss or timed sets - 155 swings, mixing up single trans and 5 per arm w/ 8kg, then the rest single trans and then 50 of 5 per arm with a c&p before transfer.

Bike ride up to get Addie with the tag along attachment, and pulling her 40 pounds of dead weight home "I'm too tired to pedal, mommy" - and now, I am beat!

Eating vegetable korma and chicken leftovers (homemade, not bad.) no rice. Eating has been vastly better. Late night eating is better, though I'm making pies today - got company coming for dessert, and I plan on ALL leftovers leaving the house!

Where I say 'why yes, I AM out of shape'

Workout day. Oy.

200 continuous swings - 100 single trans, 100 5 per arm with 8kg. 

20 medicine ball slams

10 squat thrusts

AND scene!

Ow. I have a lot of work to do! It didn't help that I am having tummy issues today. But no excuses. As quick as I lose muscle, I always gain it back in an equally timely fashion.

Bryan and I are in the thinking/dreaming/talking stages about moving overseas. After... the end of this crap. Not to be morbid. It's nice to dream about the future, about a life vastly different than what I have now. Nothing concrete, or even close. Just daydreams, for now.

No real blogging until after the holidays

But I'll leave you with a daily dose of kitten cuteness to tide you over. This is little Moses, our Ragdoll kitten. Santa's elves brought him early! He's already got a long list of micknames: Mo, Momo, Mosey, Mose, Mojito, Mohinder (anybody watch Heroes?), and Mozambique. Notice the big ass band aid on my wrist? No, I didn't try to kill myself, he has claws like f-ing Wolverine!

Happy Holidays, internets!