I still don't know where I'm at. My emotions swing up and down, and I'm still sad. But I get angry at myself for feeling depressed, I just want to move on. I wish I could fast forward things a few more months, but I can't. I just have to feel it.

I'm afraid to talk about my weight loss, for fear I'll jinx myself. I'm 126 as of this morning. I have been walking every day, KBs about 2- 3 times a week. Swinging longer sets, swinging heavier. I eat very very little. Coffee and non dairy creamer for breakfast. Lunch is either a raw food bar or protein bar, sometimes a small salad, sometimes nothing. Dinner is usually healthy and sensible: meat or fish, salad, veggie. I'm not no carb, I'll have rice or potatoes, but not every day. I try not to snack, but sometimes I do. I monitor my portions, never finish what's on my plate (especially at a restaurant). I have indulged in ice cream, but not every night. I don't count calories, I have no idea what I take in every day. But I am using common sense. Less food, more activity=weight loss. It's not a secret, it's fairly easy. Since my dad died, my relationship with food has become far less complicated. I don't feel the compulsive need to cook and bake large quantities of unhealthy (but tasty!) food. That was a big part of dad's life. It's the one area where I feel... liberated. I will still do the holiday cooking and baking, but it will be on a much smaller scale. And I'll give a lot away.

I am the happiest with my body than I've been in a really long time. It's a great feeling to have clothes be loose, to be able to wear things I haven't in 10 years or more. To have people do a double take and tell me how tiny I've become. I used to always cover my stomach up with a pillow or my purse or jacket when I'd sit down, I'd be so embarrassed of my squishy mama belly. And while I am a long way from a flat stomach (skin will not be the same after 3 kids) everything is toning and tightening and looking so much better.

I think it was either Rif or Tracy that said, in regards to weight loss 'it's simple, but it ain't easy.' Right now, though, it feels easy to me. That may be because I don't want to eat right now. It may be after affects of shock and depression. We'll see in a few months. But I know this: I want to continue to look and feel like this. I don't want to be, weight wise, where I was a year ago. Not ever again. And I'm the only one who can make that happen.