Monday, July 14, 2008

Where I nut up and soldier on

I saw a couple of Moms from Henry's school at the pool yesterday. One of them I hadn't seen since school ended. The other I've only seen a few times. These are people I have reached out to. I brought one a pie last week. But they pointedly ignored me and moved to the other side of the pool. I suppose those needier than me would have lap-dogged it over and kissed ass: "love me! Be my friend! Validate my existence!" But that sort of behavior really chaps my ass, and I refuse. If you can't even muster up a 'How's your Dad' because it makes you so uncomfortable to talk about someone who is dying and tragedy touching your perfect little world, than FUCK YOU BOTH.

I came home and took a shower and cried. Today, I am trying to shake off the shitty feeling of worthlessness that's clinging to me. I don't know why I let people get to me like this. I normally don't care quite this much. I think I just thought that what I'm going through would bring out the best in those I know. But the reality is, it brings out the worst. It shows everyone's true colors, glaring weaknesses and an astounding lack of moral compass. So onward I go, trying not to whine, trying not to care that I feel so alone. There are good people and friends in my life, I don't know why I have to let a few selfish tools weigh so heavily on me.

Dad was doing really well for a few days - he was back on high dose steroids, and he was like a different person. But he's been tapered off, and feels shitty again. It's heartbreaking to witness - because he knows he's not as sharp. He knows his energy level is down. It's been rough.

On the fitness front: I no longer care what I eat. Because for every bowl of ice cream I eat, there's a day where I eat nothing. I have a couple dresses that were tight on me last summer, that are falling off me now. I haven't done any swinging in what seems like forever. Or walking. I just don't eat and don't care and watch the scale slowly creep down. Whoopity do. Does it matter? No, my Dad is still dying.


Amy said...

Give people a chance and they are bound to disappoint. Just when you need your faith in humans restored, they let you down. You didn't need them to sing you a song or have a three-hour conversation - just a small gesture of compassion. People suck!

Feel how you feel. Write about it. Don't apologize or degrade yourself. You're grieving. Your dad isn't dead, but parts of him are gone. You're grieving those parts. You're grieving the life you had, your dad had, that are so very different now. Grieving is hard work.

You are very strong to post your experiences and thoughts here. It shows you acknowledge your feelings and are working through the shittyness of it all. Your brain and heart are trying to put everything in place and make sense out of your new reality. They'll get there. You'll get there. You will.

When you're not sure, post here. I check every day. I'm listening. Feel free to email me and get my phone number if you want to have a conversation. Seriously!

Christine said...

Thank you - really! I still read you and think 'I should swing today' - but I don't. Best of intentions, y'know?