Monday, June 2, 2008

Where I dread tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day for Leo. 

I am becoming more at peace with it. I am beyond devastated, but this is the cycle of life. We know we're going to outlive our pets. I've let too many other pets go on too long, and then you're left rushing a cat into the ER with every organ system shutting down. Leo is not dying right this moment, but he's not well. I think we're a matter of a few months away from that point. I can't do that to him. He's downstairs right now, eating his third helping of tuna. All the kids have cuddled him today and told him they love him. I laid on the floor with him all afternoon (the only place he seems to be comfortable) and just cuddled him in the crook of my arm. When I actually take him, it will be awful. But I want it over with. The waiting is killing me. Henry asked me if Leo was going to heaven today, and I said no, tomorrow. He said "I wish it was yesterday". I understood the sentiment. 

We've had a lot of conversations, me and the kids, about death and dying and the afterlife. About faith and knowing God's plan, about people and animals being gone from this Earth, but still here. We are all eternal beings, none of us really die. It's been a good dialouge to have with them, given my Dad's illness. 

But it's still hard.

Think of me tomorrow, and send me strength.


Anonymous said...

I will and I am.
Take care.

Amy said...

Your sadness and reflection take me back to December when our first "baby" Sophie died. We knew it was happening, but she didn't want to let go. I sat up with her one night. She refused to die in front of me. The next morning I left for work, my husband put her outside, brought her in, and caught her when she collapsed. She died in his arms. Hubby said he couldn't bring her in to the vet. He wanted her to go naturally. He got his wish.

Leo's death will help your kids understand what's going on with your dad. Kids really "get" death in a way adults don't. Kids don't rationalize or regret. They feel the pain of the moment. They intuit that it is the way things happen. I think it's because they aren't jaded by the world. Also, kids are better at dealing with their emotions. They don't feel embarassment or shame at expressing grief. It is what it is to them. I've learned a lot by watching my own kids grieve as well as many others. (My hubby is a funeral director and we own six funeral homes.)

Our good friend's dad just died early this morning. Like your dad, he was a cancer patient. He had just finished his third round of chemo and had gotten a good report. His white blood cells were low so they put him in the hospital. Yesterday, he suffered a major stroke and was gone this morning. It's unreal. It's horrible and devastating. It makes no sense. I need my kid perspective and kid heart so I can just feel and grieve and heal.

I pray for strength for you to get through the difficult days ahead. Look to your kids for acceptance and the ability to just feel each emotion as it comes.

I'm thinking about you!!

Christine said...

Thank you both. It was a hard day, but I am glad it's over. I miss him so much.