Thursday, May 8, 2008

Where I feel incredibly lonely

I do, y'all. It's not for lack of people who care, or a support system, it's just this pervasive feeling of utter loneliness. People ask all the time what I need, what they can do for me, and I usually smile brightly and say I'm doing fine, I don't need anything, but the truth is, I just want people to talk to. People to listen to me. To not have to put on a happy face all the time. Granted, the drugs make it a hell of a lot easier to mask how I really feel, but the true feelings, they're still there. 

I can't even put my finger on it, really. I'm very busy, I have a lot going on, every day. I barely have time to keep these 2 blogs going.... but here I am, feeling sad and small. 

I finished the cake itself - tomorrow I'll frost it. It's for a friend of the family who has always been there for us. In fact, she was the first person I called after I got the news about Dad. I remember sitting in my car, thinking, 'who can I call?' And I immediately dialed Diana's number. She's about my Mom's age, and is one of the kindest, sweetest, most supportive people I know. And she just listen to me sob and babble incoherently, and somehow, managed to calm me down. Last year for her birthday, she told her husband ALL she wanted was one of my cakes. I was too busy with a big wedding order than, so I figure better late than never. It's my super-duper awesome tropical carrot cake. It rocks the house, I tell you. The cake itself has crystallized ginger and macadamia nuts that are ground up with the flour, and the frosting has cream of coconut and cream cheese. Mmmmmm.

I also baked about 7 dozen sugar cookies. Half in the 'awareness ribbon' shape for Dad to take to the Cancer Center, and half in summery shapes (dolphins, seahorses, starfish) to take to Addie's end of school picnic. I spent the better part of the day in the kitchen. Now I'm chilling for a few before I have to go start dinner: steaks, golden beets, and beet greens. Too bad I have to appetite, but I am going to choke this one down, my body needs it.


Amy said...

Is the loneliness from not having yourself around? It seems with all of the turmoil in your life, you have had to become a different person to cope with the situation. Could it be you miss you? Could it be you miss the consistency of your "regular" life's craziness?

Six years ago my father-in-law suddenly died. My kids were 4 and 8 months old. Two weeks after his death, my mother-in-law found out she had breast cancer. Double mastectomy, 15+ lymphnodes removed, numerous chemo treatments. Nightmare for everyone. I remember feeling as if my body was humming, buzzing all the time from my nerves. Nothing seemed real, yet everything hurt so much. I was so busy doing, going, taking care that I lost myself. At that point I didn't even exercise. Oh how I wish I had had that.

Anyway, I don't mean to ramble. I hope you can find some piece of yourself through all of this and hold onto it. Do what YOU need to do at least once a week and DON'T feel guilt about it. You can't be any good to anyone else if you're not good to yourself.

Christine said...

It's hard NOT to feel guilty, though! I have had lots of friends tell me to take care of me, not let it consume me, but it's hard.... thank god for walking and KBs. They're my saving grace these days.

Anonymous said...

I think it is pretty darn cool that you are turning to kb instead of cookies to help deal with this loneliness. That is something to be pretty proud of.

And my goodness woman, that carrot cake sounds incredible.

Christine said...

It's the best carrot cake ever... good thing it's not for me!

hillary said...

sometime this summer, when im staying with the jones family, i would love to come over and hang out and watch you bake. i love cooking and think you could teach me so much! and i would be HONORED listen to you bitch about whatever the hell you want!

Christine said...

Lady, I am taking you up on that! I've been dying to teach someone my pie making skills (skillz?) And Addie is a few years away from being able to benefit from it! Cherry season is almost here- we'll make a pie for your family!