Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Where I have an off night

I had a totally off night with KBs. Just felt... weak. I did what I could, 400 reps, a fair amount of snatches, and worked more with the heavier weights (but not on the snatches!) I suppose I can't expect to do the same volume if I go heavier.

After being repeatedly flaked out on by the KB trainer in Lawrence, I was thrilled to find one here in the KC metro area! We've been in touch, and he's a certified trainer at a gym as well, which means he has an actual facility to work out of, bonus! I'm hoping to hook up with him in the next week, I really want some feedback on my form, and I still bang my wrists doing cleans. Anyway, very exciting.

Took Addie for a stroller ride this morning, foolishly thinking that it was nicer out. It wasn't. Still humid as hell. Pushing a 32 pound toddler. In a jog stroller with no air in one tire. (Didn't notice that until we were about a half mile from the house.) It was not the easy walk I had planned!

I made a pound cake yesterday in a continuing test of my willpower, and I did pretty good. I had two slices instead of one (one right after it was cool, and another one after dinner) but I still didn't feel it was a 'binge'. I didn't feel out of control. And I have had none today. I want to wait until after dinner for a treat. I had more of the soup for lunch, and fed my mama too. She loved the soup, kept saying "you can make this again, I'll buy you the ingredients!" Then she asked to see my littlest KB, the tiny 9lb. I tried to show her swings, and she did ok, but I was having a hard time articulating the hip snap that goes with the swing. She was holding her arms too stiff and kind of lifting it instead. But she's 65, she's survived a stroke, multiple GI problems and severe anxiety, plus she is totally out of shape, so I'll forgive her! She's hell bent on getting back in shape, and I fully support her. We want to do the Whisper Walk for ovarian cancer this September  (her mom died of it before I was born, that's who Addie is named after) - she even splurged on a new pair of walking shoes. So I plan on making sure she sticks with her exercise plan.

Tracy wrote a great post on motivation (see links at the right) that has really had me thinking. I'm not sure if I can put into words my own motivation. What has been keeping me from bingeing on an entire pint of ice cream? What has kept me from going down and finishing off the entire pound cake (trust me, I could do it, too!), what has kept me swinging and snatching, every other damn day, regardless of how I feel or if I'm tired? I just wanted to start feeling good again. Not just in the physical sense, but emotionally, too. I got tired of beating myself up and comparing myself to women who I thought were better, or prettier, or stronger. I was tired of feeling like crap, and not really doing anything about it. I was tired of other people doubting me. I was tired of caring so much what anyone thought! So in the end, I can't pinpoint any one magic thing that truly motivates me. Something just clicked, and I felt that it was now or never. I read in a ton of fitness blogs "it's simple, but it ain't easy." And that's the truth. Everything I need to feel great is right here, in my home. I have 4 KBs, I have access to really great food, I have my yoga mat, and have a beautiful tree lined neighborhood (that's super hilly, too!) for walking in. It's all right here. I think for years I kept over complicating it with gym memberships I couldn't afford, or not being able to get childcare so I could workout. I was Queen of the Excuses. And I'm done making them now. 

Last night was a good example. I knew going into it I wasn't feeling my best. A small part of me was nagging to just skip it, try tomorrow, but I refused. I went with heavier weights just to prove to myself that I could. Not to sound like a cliche, but it was mind over matter. I admit, there was one point after swinging the 35 # that I had to lay the hell down on the floor, I thought I was going to pass out. But i got up and kept going. Until I just couldn't anymore. And that's what I do. 

I still hate my tummy. I don't know if it will ever be what I want without surgery, and that's ok. My motivation has evolved beyond just wanting to look good. I FEEL good, and strong, and that's more important to me than wearing a bikini.

Alright, I'd love to wear a bikini. But I'm not obsessed with it anymore. 

I didn't mean to sound so long winded, it all just tumbled out. Kids are clamoring to go to the library. I'm off!

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