Sunday, November 9, 2008

Where I get on with it

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last several days, about the direction of my life. I've gotten so derailed and distracted in the last seven months, and I've lost sight of everything I've wanted in life. I've completely lost trust and faith in myself. I've lost my way, in every area of my life, it seems. I can't change the situation with Dad. He's very sick. He will die at some point in the near future. That is a terrifying prospect for me, but staying awake nights and laying around all day won't alter the outcome in any way. My kids have a ghost of a mother, my husband has no wife. I feel like I operate from day to day with no joy, no optimism, no anticipation of any kind. It's no way to live. It's not living.

I think of it in terms of the life span of my mother's parents and my Dad: I could very well be at the half way point of my life. I'm 36, and both grandparents lived to be 57 and 59. My Dad is 65. His sister, my Aunt who dies in June, was 60. I don't come from a line of longevity. It puts things in perspective, especially as I've watched my Mom be consumed by fear, anger, guilt, jealousy, resentment. It's a wasted life. I may very well live a long life, but the point is: I don't know. I feel like regardless of what hurricane is currently swirling around me and wreaking havoc, I have to learn to stand still and remember that I still need to live my life and be as happy and content as I can. I need to do the things that bring me joy, I need to enjoy the life I have with my children. I need to let go of slights and anger and pettiness. 

I'm not entirely sure how to go about this, but I feel empowered in just the realization that I can't go on like this for one more minute. I'm starting with things one at a time. I've been working over the last few days to really get my house in order. Cluttered house=cluttered mind. I'm trying to get back to a routine, as well as getting the kids to have more responsibilities. My next hurdle is eating and food. I've been emotionally eating and I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself. I have no excuse. I won't even try to give one, it's just zero self control. I won't go into any detail about what I'm going to do and how I'm going to eat because: I know this. I know exactly what I need to eat, and how much, and when to stop. I just haven't been doing it. I've let cancer take over my life, and despite the awfulness of it, it's no damn excuse. 

I'm trying, really and truly. It's difficult, but I miss what I was, how I felt. I miss my goals. I miss my confidence. I miss my husband. But I know it will be better. 


k said...

I believe in you!!!!!

Christine said...

Thank you!!!!

Julie said...

I love you, Tine!!!

Christine said...

The feeling is very mutual, Miss Julie!

hillary said...

i've found that while awareness itself poses no answers, and doesn't mean that a solution will come quickly, once i see things clearly, there's only so long i can go staring my problem in the face without doing something to fix it.
i admire your honesty and tenacity (even if thats not always how you feel)

Christine said...

I mostly feel like I'm in the movie 'Groundhog Day' - where I have the same epiphany over and over, but in the end, nothing changes!