Monday, November 17, 2008

Dad's not doing well. He nearly fell over today trying to get some cereal down from the cupboard, Mom had to catch him. He hasn't had any brain scans in awhile, and I'm worried that it's running rampant. I'm not posting this on Dad's blog because I don't know what's going on, and I can't deal with people calling me or Mom with questions. I can't take the roller coaster much longer, the stress of this life is physically hurting. It's hard enough to deal with Dad being so sick, but the stress my Mom puts on me is even greater. She falls apart over everything, and I have to be the strong one. I don't get to fall apart. And... the facade is crumbling. I can't do it for everyone, I can't be the rock for my entire family, it's too hard. 

Dad is dying, and there is nothing I can do about it. I have never felt so helpless in all my life. There is nothing I can do to alter the outcome of this. Nothing.

5 comments:

Jenny said...

could you talk your mom into an anti-dpressant as well? Because that would at least help her keep from freaking out on you.

Christine said...

Oy. I can't even get into why she doesn't take anti depressants. She claims to have an adverse reaction to them - I never know what's real with her, or what's just anxiety-fueled. She has real medical problems, but a lot of her problems are either caused or exacerbated by her extreme anxiety and paranoia.

It's SO much fun to deal with!

T is for Tina said...

::hug:: I wish I knew what to say, if you ever want to talk you can call I know we aren't close but your family and I love you.

Julie said...

that is so much stress for you, and so much pressure. I worry about you and want to tell you to take care of yourself, but I know how that made me feel when people said it to me. Yes, of course you want to take care of yourself, but somehow...it always fell to the lowest priority, at least it did for me. It's this absurd cycle...the pressure and builds but you think, it can't last forever and you want to BE THERE FOR EVERYONE. something's got to give eventually. Would a day off help you? just one day where you are left alone and do your own thing, to recharge your batteries? Going to Mike's for a day or a two at a time did that for me. I am thinking of you and I pray for all of you. Lots of love.

hillary said...

i think of you often. i hope your kitty is ok. let me know if you need a night out, i'll give you a VIP spot in my planner...