Thursday, July 17, 2008

Where I go to therapy and have a breakdown, and a breakthrough

"I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people's misery, and to eat my own bitterness. And even though I taught my daughter the opposite, still she came out the same way. Maybe it is because she was born to me and she was born a girl, and I was born to my mother and I was born a girl, all of us like stairs, one step after another, going up, going down, but always going the same way. No, this cannot be, this not knowing what you're worth, this not begin with you. My mother not know her worth until too late - too late for her, but not for me. Now we will see if not too late for you, hmm?"

I thought of this quote from the Joy Luck Club while I was talking to my shrink today. I had an immense breakthrough in regards to me having no self worth, no self esteem. I never feel that my love, or friendship, or anything is as good as everyone else's. I don't know why. Maybe it's because my mother was the same. No matter how fast I run, how I high I jump, how perfect I try to be, I will fail. I do so much for people who don't deserve it, in hopes of being loved, being admired, being cherished as a friend. I do nothing for me. I don't typically see myself as having any worth at all. At what point do I walk away from the bullshit of my childhood and say 'enough'? Because I think I'm there. I think I'm done feeling like this. 

8 comments:

Julie said...

I am glad to hear the session went well today. You are truly a wonderful person who deserves to get back what you give.

hillary said...

i'm totally there. dont tell my parents and the kids from high school but i think i'm over them...

Christine said...

Julie- how's your Mom doing? I think of you both everyday. Thank god for therapy, eh?

Christine said...

H- We can be pissy and antisocial together! Yaaaay!

Jenny said...

It was the french food, I think. I'm glad you got there.
I will not see you tonight, but will have you guys out soon for swimming and drinking. Let me know when is good.

Christine said...

French people are assholes, so I guess eating French food would make you more ballsy? Less tolerant? Able to say 'Fuck everyone'? Whatever the case, I came home and napped with the kitten, Bryan took the kids to the park, the hose is quiet, and I am feeling not as bleak.

Amy said...

Atta Girl! Recognizing why is a giant step. Now recovery can begin. I'm still checking on you every day. If you write it, I will read it and think about you.

Sending out positive vibes down south to yah!!

Christine said...

Thanks, Amy!