Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Where I talk about food and cease to give a shit

I haven't mentioned my eating in awhile, nor have I obsessed about what I weigh.


Because I stopped over thinking it. Obsessing has done no good, neither has weighing myself everyday (and in some cases, multiple times a day!) Here's what I found: if the numbers were higher than I wanted, I felt defeated, and like a total loser, and in the end, it would be my downfall, not my inspiration. I would figure 'fuck it, I'm not losing anyway, so why not just stuff my face?' All I have been doing has been counterproductive to the end result. And the end result for ME is not a certain number or perception by others, it's how I FEEL about myself. How my clothes fit, my energy, my well-being.

I have been very dedicated in my KB training. I feel stronger each time, and I can see more results as the weeks go by. My food has been basic - veggies, salads, protein (chicken, fish, not a lot of red meat.). If I have a sweet craving, I allow myself a treat. We've made more than a few trips to TCBY for nonfat yogurt and sugar free hot fudge. Not my favorite treat, but a good low calorie alternative. However, if I am craving something "real", I fucking eat it. I don't binge on it, I have a normal sized portion.

I hit a wall about a month ago in regards to this. Basically, only I can control any of this - my food, my weight, my general well being is not controlled by anyone else. My successes and failures are all dependent on ME. I have been very happy with where I am at, and I honestly have no idea what I weigh. I know that my clothes are fitting better, and even my swimsuit is a little looser in the midsection. I feel stronger, I feel at peace with my body.

I have never been overweight, by anyone's standards except my own. My focus right now is feeling good and being stronger. Or, as I said to my husband not long ago: "I like what I have, I just want it all tighter. I want more muscle."

I have felt a lot of judgement and snarkiness in the last few months, in a variety of areas in my life, this one included. And I am learning to just let it GO. I know where I'm at, and it's all GOOD.

No comments: