It's flipping 4pm, and I STILL have not had a chance to swing today. A friend stopped by with the 2 kids she nannies for, and it was a nice surprise, but it threw off my entire day - they stayed about 3 hours. I have lost my 'groove' for the day. I just ordered the kids a pizza, and I am fighting the gloominess creeping in. I have no desire to celebrate my birthday tomorrow. It just means the entire family is together, and nothing good can ever come of that. And for about the last 5-6 years, my mom gets a flare up of diverticulitis ON my birthday. And I am always made to feel that it is my fault. This time, she offered last week to cook- and I flatly told her no, we typically don't do a family meal for the b-day thing, just cake. She insisted, and I swear, I just KNEW that this was going to turn into some perverse guilt trip to make me feel bad about the DAY I WAS BORN... and sure enough, I have endured about 4 separate phone calls of her crying, saying how bad she feels, and how she has SO MUCH TO DO FOR TOMORROW! Oh. My. God. I predicted it, I knew it would happen, and yet, it still catches me off guard.

I told Bryan that I am done with birthdays. Not kidding, this is the last birthday I celebrate. My family is seriously, that fucked up. I can take a lot of crap and guilt from them - at 35, I'm a pro at deflecting it - but this is just too much.